The Head Waiter and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
The Head Waiter and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle is a joke written anonymously by A Moonbeam published in Ally Sloper's Half Holiday on 25 november 1922.
The Head Waiter and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
EXCUSE me, sir, are you looking for a friend, or a vacant table, or what? ... Looking for nobody? Then you'll have to look for a long time, sir, if you'll excuse my joke, he, he! But if you're lunching, sir, you will find this a quiet and comfortable corner. ... That's it, sir. One moment — I'll bring you the menu. ...
What would you like, sir? Soup? I beg pardon? Have we any fairies? FAIRIES? Go' bless my soul, sir, no, sir! The veg. cook and the two kitchen maids, and the young woman at the cash desk are about the nearest thing we've got to fairies on these premises. This is a chop house, sir; not a pantomime Fairies! You make me smile, sir, you do, indeed! We can do you angels on horseback — oysters are prime now, sir — but fairies; no, we don't supply anything in that line, sir, he, he! ...
Nothing to laugh about? P'raps not, sir. But I must confess it tickled me to hear you ask for fairies. We get a bird or two in occasionally, in the evenings; but not often to lunch, if that's what you mean, sir? ... Boiled beef, carrots, and dumps? Very good. sir. Jacket potatoes, or boiled, sir?... Thank you, sir. Anything to drink? ... In a tankard? Certainly, sir. ... Fairies! He, he, he! Must have some of his nap off. ...
There you are, sir — a workman's portion, if I may say so. And that's the stuff to keep you warm, when it comes to the point, sir. A little more substantial than fairies, boiled or fried, or on toast, I should think, sir-he, he! ... I beg pardon, sir? You object to ridicule? Quite right, sir. Most self-respecting people do, sir. Nothing more annoying. ... Then why do I persist in it? What, me, sir? I don't follow you, sir. Making sport of your belief in fairies? Not at all, sir. I merely mentioned that we don't keep them. ... You are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle? Ah, now I can understand, sir. You thought you could scent fairies as you came in, I expect. The young woman at the cash desk uses highly-scented face powder, sir — very highly-scented. She sits near the cheese, you see, sir. ...
And so I have the honour of waiting on the celebrated Sir Arthur Conan Doyle! Dear me; I shall have to tell Mr. Ally Sloper when he comes in. But, like myself, sir, he'll be more interested in you as the creator of Sherlock Holmes than as a dabbler in spiritualism and a fairy chaser. By the way, how is Dr. Watson, sir — that mutton-headed medico who was for everlasting at Holmes's heels? ... You've given up writing frivolous fiction? I'm very sorry to hear it, sir. Your books passed many a dull hour away, and helped many a sad heart to forget its sorrow for a while. But if I may be so bold as to say so, your later writings have had quite an opposite effect. Who wants messages from the dead, when it comes to the point? I don't, for one. Messages from the living are good enough for me.
Boiled jam roll? Very good, sir. ... Yes, sir, I've always thought it was a pity that a clever gent like you ever took up with this spiritualistic stuff. It shook the public confidence in you, somehow. Knowing you to be a patriot and a strong imperialist, I don't some. how seem right that you should be more interested in the dead than the living.
No, sir, that's not a fairy, that's Mr. Ally Sloper, the Eminent ... Impossible? How impossible? ... Died years ago? Not him, sir. Anyhow, he's no spirit, I can assure you. Very much in the flesh, believe me. Would you care to be introduced, sir? He takes quite as much interest in spirits as you do; but works, I believe, along different lines of inquiry. ... Is he in search of proof? You've hit it, sir. But in the mean time he's satisfied with 30 under.
The bill? Very good. sir. ... Let me see, you had one bread. I think? ... Thank you I'm much obliged. Er — before you go, sir, what about giving the spooks a miss, and giving Sherlock Holmes a new lease of life? You'd find it more profitable in more ways than one. ... Good day, sir ... Have we got any fairies! He, he!
